A little humour to brighten your day
The Genuine Quotes Archive
Yes, I'm afraid all of these things really have been said at some point! The quotes are unattributed to avoid embarassment....
The Ignorant Quote
"So... do you have castles in Wales?"
The Very Ignorant Quote
On being told of a Warsaw church where 2000 women and children died during the second world war:
"Ohh, gee that's just too bad"
The Culturally-Ignorant Quote
"Sing something Welsh. . . .Like 'Danny Boy'"
The "scientist who really knows how to enjoy himself" Quote
"When we were bored
we used to amuse ourselves by looking through the
Sigma catalogue to see who could find
the most expensive chemical."
The American Scientist Quote
"This pipettor sucks!"
Flow Cytometry Jokes
Anagrams of "Coulter Epics Elite"
- I electrocute piles.
- Cruel toilet pieces.
- Clue to lies receipt.
- O cruel! Testicle pie.
- I cure pole testicle.
- O! pure testicle lice.
Anagrams of "Skatron Argus"
- Rang as rust, OK?
- Our grant asks.
- Our rags stank.
- Rats! UK groans.
- Sour rank tags.
- Rank gut or ass.
Anagrams of "Aber Instrumens Microcyte"
- Mercenary biscuits torment.
- Crumbs! tiny master erection.
- Snotty, cuter, mesmeric brain.
- Crumbs! is tiny, ace tormenter.
- Smarter, tiny, cuter combines.
- Is smart, nice rent-boy rectum.
Anagrams of "Partec particle analysing system III"
- A special insanity grimaces prettily.
- Sinisterly appreciate saintly magic.
- Pigsty increases reptilian calamity.
- Creepy, artistic genitalia piss manly.
- It is tiny, special; rampages certainly.
- Ample irritancy agitates piss nicely.
Jociau Cymraeg / Welsh Jokes
Roedd bachgen bach o'r enw Dewi yn cerdded trwy ei bentref, yn bownsio pe+l i'r geiriau: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai! B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"
Wel, pan aeth Dewi heibio'r capel, dal yn canu "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!", daeth y gweinidog mas. "Dewi, paid a+ ddweud pethau fel 'na - pechod mawr yw e!" dywedodd e. "Mewn lle, dylet ti ddweud rhywbeth fel 'Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal.'"
Yn awyddus i foddhau, sgipiodd Dewi i ffwrdd, yn bownsio'i be+l ac yn canu "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal! Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!"
Pan aeth Dewi tua'r capel eto, roedd e'n dal yn canu: "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!" Felly dywedodd y gweinidog iddo fe, "Da iawn, Dewi! Nawr, wyt ti'n gwybod pam cafodd Iesu Grist ei eni mewn stabal?"
Meddyliodd Dewi am foment, ac wedyn dywedodd: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"
A boy called Dewi was walking through his village, bouncing a ball to the words: "B*****d English buy houses! B*****d English buy houses!"
Well, when Dewi went past the chapel, still singing "B*****d English buy houses! B*****d English buy houses!", the minister came out. "Dewi don't say things like that - it is sinful! he said. "Instead, you should say something like 'Jesus Christ was born in a stable!'"
Eager to please, Dewi skipped away, bouncing his ball and singing, "Jesus Christ was born in a stable! Jesus Christ was born in a stable!"
When Dewi went past the chapel again he was still singing "Jesus Christ was born in a stable!" So the minister said to him "Very good Dewi. Now, do you know why Jesus Christ was born in a stable?"
Dewi thought for a moment, and then said: "B*****d English buy houses!"
Jo+c bwlb golau / Light bulb joke
C: Faint o athrawon prifysgol sydd rhaid am newid bwlb golau?
A: Pedwar cant ac un. Un i wneud y gwaith, a phedwar cant i sefyll mewn pwllgor yn Aberystwyth i gael gair am "ffilament".
Q: How many Welsh academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four hundred and one. One to change the bulb and 400 to sit on a committee in Aberystwyth to find a word for "filament".
A poem for those moments when you think that Welsh is a difficult language:
English is tough stuff
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and
worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow
dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my
prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord
and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how
it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as
plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but
bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show,
poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter,
laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles,
similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and
far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet
does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and
flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous,
viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your
pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded,
grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy,
famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb,
bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme
with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt
but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does.
Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal,
mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost,
lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer
does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint,
pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic,
Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty,
library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say
hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the
differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches,
wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable,
unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos,
chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but
malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine,
turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and
battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and
key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but
preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but
target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven
is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey,
donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't
it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a
dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or
cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
The source I obtained this from said "Author Unknown", however I received
the following information by email:
The author of the poem "English is
Tough Stuff" is Charivarius. Charivarius was a Dutchman, and an English
schoolteacher, who wrote funny poems (in Dutch, except this one) for newspapers
between 1910-1920.